Roni Rosenberg
Journalism
May 23, 2003


Editorial: The Internet

Because of rapidly increasing popularity, the “internet” has received numerous attacks and criticism from sources all around the world, but on what substantial basis? According to said people, it has negatively impacted the world by decreasing use of library non-fiction books and increasing the amount of time spent in front of a screen; in other words, it makes information easier to find and steals us away from the television.

But in order to elaborate on this question and it’s answer, we much first discuss the internet’s use (because it does possess one). Well, according to a traditional dictionary definition, “The Internet consists primarily of the collection of billions of interconnected webpages that are transferred using HTTP - Sentence-She did extensive research and communicated on the internet.” According to a more modern source and masses of people, “the internet is for porn - Sentence-if they took away all the porn on the internet there would only be one website left, and it would be the “bring back the porn” website.”

While many regard this as negative substance, the truth is that the internet gives everyone equal opportunity to find the same things they’d otherwise be finding (inappropriate, educational, both, and debatable), only faster. It also gives you the opportunity to be whatever you want, or what you’ve always wanted to be—successful, social, older, or the opposite gender. In addition, it puts everyone on equal ground. For example, many of the people ridiculed and physically abused by their peers have their own opportunity to fight back with minimal physical exertion. And you can do so anonymously—which ensures that the fight remains online only, so that one’s lack of physical ability maintains an irrelevant (and unridiculed) status.

In addition, people in other countries are able to tell us, while correcting our grammar, exactly why Americans are inferior. They are also able to share fascinating information—for example, just yesterday, I was informed that there are no squirrels in Australia! Similarly, it enables communication without verbal exertion—such as I am demonstrating now, talking to my good friend Sasha who is several computers down.

All manners of communications are possible. Even application. On the internet, you can apply for a job, financial loan, or even a significant other. Just think, if you handed out a boy/girlfriend application in person, people would think you were desperate.

And studies show that people who use the popular blogging site Myspace live longer. “According to the numbers, over 90% of Americans over the age of 90 actively use MySpace” … “The site also seems immensely popular with Americans in their late 60’s … over 98% of living 69 year-olds actively maintain MySpace accounts.” (NoosCorp of Texas) Of course these are the people ridiculed by the younger members of the site and ticketed pedophiles, but they are blissfully unaware.

Younger members are more apt to post pictures which reduce the prospect of job offers or acceptance, which fortunately makes the market less competitive for those not ignorant enough to post pictures of themselves chugging alcohol and visually bragging of their ability to perform illegally activity where anyone, everyone, can see.

There is also email, hundreds of times faster and more proficient than snail mail. The only issue with it, according to my father, is spam. Specialists believe that in the future they will be able to bypass all spam filters and completely fill target inboxes with junk mail, but, my ever-obliging parental-unit also offered a solution—“anyone who spams,” he explained, “should be shot.”

Then there is the opportunity to obtain and dispose of nearly anything, often from the popular auction site Ebay. Be it a dead man’s ghost, dog hair, or a friend who one no longer has a use for (all real-life scenarios), you’ll find what you want. Or don’t. It’s all up to you.

The internet also boosts the economy by creating hundreds of thousands of jobs, many of which are work-from-home. This enables people to manage their professional career in a uniformly unprofessional manner, often in underwear while simultaneously drinking beer. Seriously. I’m friends with the son of the man who runs the IT Corporation in Massachusetts, and that’s the inside scoop.

It is thus that I conclude that the internet contains everything in the world today: the past, the future, and probably something else. All in all, I think it has been established that the internet is the greatest and most marvelous waste of time ever created by man—a bold statement.